This post was reviewed for medical accuracy by Rosalie Gunson, a Certified Registered Nurse Practitioner specializing in fertility care.
The stress and anxiety of infertility can swallow the rest of your life. It’s really hard to focus on your job or your relationships when all you can think about is your next appointment at the fertility clinic.
I won’t pretend to have all the answers, but I did pick up a tiny bit of wisdom along the way. Here are my 8 tips for staying sane during infertility/ IVF.
Forgive the expression, but helps to focus on baby steps. This can work whether you are looking back or looking ahead.
For example, thinking, “I’ve been trying to have a baby for a year” can be depressing. Instead, focus on the fact that this is only your second medicated cycle, or your first cycle on a new medication protocol.
When you look ahead, try not to dwell too much on the ultimate goal (a successful pregnancy). Focus on whatever the next milestone is. It could be an ultrasound, a pregnancy test, or even a routine appointment at your clinic.
Be sure to celebrate small wins along the way. You’re in the two-week wait? That means you ovulated! You’re still in the game. You got your period? Great, you get to start a new cycle really soon!
Even if you don’t have any known fertility issues, trying to get pregnant can be a whirlwind of emotions. You could feel excited, angry, irritable, anxious, depressed, or even resentful — and those feelings can change in a flash (thanks, hormones!).
Whatever you’re feeling, know that it’s OK. Try not to beat yourself up for those negative emotions. There is no correct way to feel as you go through this process.
If you find that your negative emotions are really getting in the way of your life, though, consider speaking to a counselor. A professional can help you process your feelings and practice some coping mechanisms.
While being significantly overweight does carry risks for fertility and pregnancy, too many doctors act as if weight is the only metric of health. They see a patient with a high BMI and jump right to weight loss as a magical cure-all.
Anxious and depressed? Lose weight. Chronic pain? Lose weight. Trouble getting pregnant? Lose weight.
This kind of “diagnosis” isn’t helpful, especially when it’s not accompanied by guidance on how to lose weight in a sustainable way. Without nutritional counseling and other forms of support, too many women turn to extreme crash diets or just give up completely.
Whether you weigh 120 lbs or 300 lbs, you deserve to have a medical team that understands you are a whole person with a unique and complex medical history. If you feel like your doctor is fixated on your weight instead of your overall health and well-being, get a new doctor. I promise you’ll feel better.
For more info on this issue, see TTC With a High BMI: How to Get the Quality Care You Deserve.
Women love to tell other women that our bodies are made for pregnancy: “Just stop over-thinking and trust your body to know what to do.” (Spoiler alert: Once you get pregnant, you’ll likely hear the same comments about childbirth, breastfeeding, baby-led weaning, and other hot-button parenting issues.)
It must be nice to blithely assume that pregnancy and childbirth are smooth, natural processes for everyone. The truth is that a lot of women struggle to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and that advice to “trust your body” just doesn’t resonate.
After all, trusting your body is hard when it has a history of letting you down.
So if you’ve been hearing these sorts of messages from the crunchy mamas of the internet, please believe that you’re not unnatural or broken. There’s nothing wrong with putting your faith in modern medicine. Needing a little extra help to conceive or deliver your baby won’t make you any less of a mother or less of a woman.
Besides, it’s not like you were planning to give birth on a mountainside with a yak as your doula, right?
Telling your friends and family that you’re trying to have a baby is a deeply personal decision, and telling them that you’re doing fertility treatment is even more so.
In the age of social media, some couples choose to share all the details. Some even post photos of their families wearing matching T-shirts in support of their latest IVF cycle.
Others may tell a few close friends or co-workers. Others may keep it themselves until they have a pregnancy to announce.
Who you choose to tell and when is totally up to you. No one is entitled to your fertility updates. (Okay, you probably have to tell someone in HR if you’ll be missing a lot of work for fertility appointments. But besides that, you don’t have to tell anyone.)
If someone close to you has told you about their fertility struggles, please honor that trust and keep it to yourself. You could be the only person they confided in.
You’d think that women with children would be super knowledgeable about fertility, but that’s not always true — some were just lucky and didn’t have to worry about the details.
It’s easy to take these comments personally, because it feels like they’re making light of your problems. The Karens of the world don’t mean to be hurtful — they’re just clueless.
Smile and nod, but make sure you’re only taking fertility advice from people who know what they’re talking about.
That goes for diet info as well. Get your nutrition advice from a knowledgable functional medicine dietician like Melissa Groves Azzaro of Avocado Grove, not some random Facebook friend who just discovered coconut oil.
One way to circumvent the Karens in your life is to go online for advice. Whether you’re TTC for the first time or on your 4th cycle of IVF, you are likely to find a group of like-minded women in an online forum or Facebook group.
The downside of these groups is that a disproportionate number of their members are suffering from trauma. That can skew your perception of what’s normal. You can start to believe that nobody ever gets pregnant and if they do, complications are inevitable.
When you eventually get your BFP, those stories of tragedy and loss can haunt you. You may also feel guilty that you’re pregnant while your online friends are still struggling. Survivor’s guilt is real!
If you find that these groups are making you anxious or upset, don’t feel bad about taking a break. Do what you need to do to protect your own mental health.
For those who do want to connect on social media, I would definitely recommend the private Facebook group run by the ladies of The Infertile Mafia.
Many women who did fertility treatment feel pressure to be nothing less than blissfully happy and fulfilled once they finally get pregnant and have their babies. They may hide their true feelings — even symptoms of postpartum depression — out of shame and guilt.
For the record, this mama gig is HARD! It’s not magically easier just because you did infertility treatment.
You’re allowed to be overwhelmed.
You’re allowed to hate being pregnant.
You’re allowed to dread the supposedly magical experience of childbirth.
You’re allowed to miss aspects of your previous life.
You’re allowed to look forward to time away from your baby.
Final Thoughts
Louder for the people in the back: You are not unnatural or broken. You’ve been through rough waters before, and you’ll get through this too.
This post was last updated in May 2020.
I’m Jenn! Here I am with my beautiful twin boys. My pregnancy was possible thanks to fertility treatment for PCOS.
